Nine Septembers
by greencyanide
Summary: First Septembers always bring new hopes, new possibilities in a young wizards life. But not Severus Snape. Account of nine septembers, as his life goes from bad to worse, and he ponders on the predicament of war, lost love and redemption.


_September 1, 1971_

Severus sat on his trunk, his chin resting on his hands. The Hogwarts Express was billowing white smoke into the air, and he felt slightly wheezed, so he had sat down. He constantly checked his battered watch- what was up with Lily? If she was any more late, his Mum would force him to go up and find a compartment. But they had promised they would sit together in the train, just like they would spend the whole seven years together. The prospects made Severus giddy and he had to stand up and take a walk around to calm himself. He had been feeling exceptionally light the last few days, which prompted his father to ask rudely why he was bouncing on the balls of his feet.

"Sev!"

One small word. A flushed voice. All it takes to send an eleven-year old boy, with eyes full of dreams, into a tizzy. Lily was dragging her shiny, new trunk across the platform, towards him.

"Hey, sorry, I'm late. You know Mum- got all emotional. She hugged me about eight times before she thought it was enough to sustain her till Christmas," laughed Lily.

Severus wished he didn't smile like an idiot at seeing Lily, and said something clever. But all he could do was bare his yellowing teeth and hear Lily chatter on. He would love to hear her chatter on forever and never get tired of it.

The shrill whistle sounded through the station and Lily exclaimed, "Oh, look at me running on! Come on, Sev, the train's about to leave!"

Unable to find an empty compartment, they settled in the last one, whose sole occupant were two dark-haired boys, in deep conversation about Quidditch. One of them had glasses, and the other wore a smirk. They both had an air of arrogance about them and Severus knew better than to stir it.

He pulled out a book from his jacket and turned to Lily. "Have you checked the Defense Against Dark Arts book? It's bogus!"

Lily shook her head and laughed. "To you! I thought we have a lot to study. But you'll probably cover it all even if you sleep twenty hours a day! I'll probably fail because I don't know anything about _anything_ in Hogwarts."

Severus rolled his eyes. "Oh, don't worry. We'll all start at the same page."

"Really, Sev? Because I was thinking, maybe Muggle-borns are supposed to take prior classes, you know, to get used to magic and stuff."

"You are going to learn magic in Hogwarts, just like everyone else. And I'm sure there'll be so many more Muggle-borns too."

Lily didn't look much convinced but shrugged, and leaned against Severus, reading the book he held in his hand.

Severus ran through the corridor of the Hogwarts Express, through the crowd of older students who flocked outside their compartments. This time his compartment was filled with a bunch of rowdy boys, and Lily was sitting hunched beside the window, her face pressed against the window pane.

Severus stowed his Muggle clothes into his trunk, and touched her shoulder. "Hey, what's the matter, Lily?"

Lily turned her face, and Severus realized she was crying. "This feels wrong, Sev. Tuney h- hates me. It feels wrong that I will come and she won't."

"Don't think about it now, Lily. This is you. This is it! We're off to Hogwarts!"

Lily nodded, mopping her eyes, but in spite of her self, gave a half smile.

"You'd better be in Slytherin," said Severus, encouraged that she had brightened a little.

One of the boys of the compartment, the one who wore glasses, seemed suddenly interested. "Who wants to be in Slytherin? The bunch of snakes!"

The boy beside him, whose smirk widened, drawled, "Yeah, I'd rather leave than make my mother proud and be sorted into Slytherin."

The other boy seemed impressed, "You go that right, mate. I'm heading for Gryffindor, _where dwell the brave at heart_. Like my Dad."

Severus snorted.

The boy's smile now darkened. "Got a problem with that?"

"No, if you'd rather be brawny than brainy-"

The one with the smirk cut in. "Seeing that you are neither, where are _you_ hoping to go?"

Before Severus could make an appropriate comment, Lily tugged at his hand. "Come on, Sev, let's find another compartment."

Amidst catcalls and jeers of the two gits, Severus and Lily walked out of the compartment and found a secluded spot in the corridor. Severus moodily leaned against the walls and Lily was silent too.

"Are you mad, Sev? At them?"

Severus shook his head. But he couldn't lie to himself. It had started. It had started again. Severus Snape had been a reject for the precious eleven years of his life. He did not go to Muggle school, so didn't have kindergarten friends most kids have. He did not play around with the children in his neighborhood, because they always picked on his slight frame and he found them too uninteresting. Owing to the fact that his mother had been disowned from her family, he had barely ever visited his wizard cousins. He had been a lonely child. His only hope had been to be in Hogwarts, where he could have friends, where everyone was his match. Was he hoping too much? He would still be the skinny boy, with greasy hair and patched hand-me-down robes. Come to think of it, except the possible backdrop between Spinner's End and Hogwarts, had anything changed really?

His thoughts were interrupted by Lily's gentle shake. "Sev, what are you thinking about? Look the train has slowed. I think we're here."

_Finally, we are here,_ Severus thought, contemplatively.

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_September 1, 1972_

Severus sat in the empty compartment, reading Pontier Pringle's latest book on Unbrewable Potions. It was an interesting book, but Severus was having a hard time concentrating. His holidays were over, which meant he'd be spending less and less time with Lily. Of course, he was the unattractive nerd, she was the Gryffindor princess. For your information, they don't mix. They had chattered and played together during the holidays just like they used to before Hogwarts, before Houses, before the hierarchy. But now they were back, and he was in the lowest rung of the ladder, while she reigned on top.

Giving up altogether, he put down the book. Potter and Black have done their first round of taunting and picking on him today. Two more round, at the least, would follow. Before that happened, Severus would have to bide his time staring numbly out of the window.

The cornflower fields, across which the train was rattling, were the lightest of blue, specked with the yellows and reds of wild flowers growing in between them, uncared for.

He was almost able to get lost in the sunshine and the meadows and the happy things of the world, until loud voices brought him back to reality.

"Dreaming, Snivellus? Let me guess, you dreamt of a day you did not look like a stick insect smelling of dung," drawled Potter, wrenching the door of the compartment open.

"Aww, isn't that charming?" sneered Black.

Severus scowled. "No, I was actually dreaming that you two were transfigured into rare breed baboons. Oops, looks like my dream came true!"

"You!" shouted James, pulling out his wand. But Severus acted before him- he had been anticipating the move.

"Expelliarmus!" he shouted and Potter's wand flew off and hit Black in the face. Someone in the corridor ran, shouting, "Prefects! They're fighting with magic! PREFECTS!"

Severus lazily pulled out his book, as the Marauders scuffled back to their coterie.

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_September 1, 1973_

" Why on earth is a young third year sitting alone in the last compartment? And you are reading!"

The silky voice made Severus look up from his book. Lucius Malfoy, the tall, suave seventh year Slytherin sat down opposite to him. Severus was not quite used to people initiating conversation with him, so he merely looked at the other boy, waiting for him to ask something.

"What book is that?" he asked, quite conversationally, but Severus was smart enough to realize there was a point of this.

" 'The Potioneers of Arabia'," he stated blankly.

"Yes, I heard Professor Slughorn say that you are brilliant in Potions, one of the best he has seen, in fact. And you did excellent in everything else too."

Severus wondered if nodding would imply he had a big head about his talents.

"Severus, you're a half-blood, aren't you? You're mother is a Prince, I have heard."

"Yes."

"It's great to have one of the Prince's in Hogwarts, considering the filth that roams the castle these days," said Lucius, fervent with disgust.

"I am not quite sure I understand you."

"These Mudbloods," said Lucius, impatiently -causing Severus to breathe in sharply- "Hogwarts is full to the brim with- _those_!"

Severus was appalled. "I don't harbour the same feelings, I'm afraid. My best friend is a Muggle-born."

Lucius stared at Severus for a long time. The he spoke, "You know, Severus, you still have a lot to learn. Including the importance of lineage in the wizarding world. You are a gem of a student; you should sort out your priorities. A brilliant young wizard like you has a world to conquer!"

Severus wanted to say that he didn't want to conquer the world, that he didn't want to show everyone he was worth a lot more respect, he didn't want to tell Potter and Black that they could very well shove it in their face because he couldn't care less. But, if he had to be honest with himself, he _did_ have a world to conquer, he _did_ want to be a somebody Lily would hang around in school without attracting jeers, he _did _want to fit in.

Lucius' eyes were twinkling. "Severus, I think you just need to set your ideals straight. You have it in you to just show the world who you are. When you are ready to really know yourself, just come by and see me."

Severus didn't know how Lucius spoke the exact words he wanted to hear, but he could only turn them over in his minds, as he would for weeks from then.

Lucius left, leaving the door open- the door of the compartment and the door of Severus' mind.

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_September 1, 1974_

Severus was dreaming- rather day-dreaming. He gazed out of the window, but his eyes didn't see the dark countryside, dripping in rain and mud. He saw him and Lily, walking hand in hand in Hogsmeade, buying every kind of sweet from Honeydukes, enjoying a mug of Butterbeer, happily chatting and laughing at how they have spent the last three years without sparing each other more than one sentence per week. He could almost feel the butterflies in his stomach when he heard Lily's laughter in his reverie, and he saw himself confessing that he loved Lily, more than the bighead git Potter, and he would do so forever. He saw Lily blushing and saying she loved him too.

"Severus!"

For a moment, Severus was so startled, he couldn't fathom why the scene at Three Broomsticks dissolved and why he was seeing the drizzle-washed countryside instead. Another call helped him gather his bearings. He looked at the door of his empty (as usual) compartment.

There she was standing, in her school robes, looking as perfect as the world allowed her to be.

"Lily!" Severus' voice was rasped, from not using it for hours.

"Hi, Sev. I- er, went to change and saw you sitting here," said Lily, without entering the compartment.

Severus didn't ask her to enter. _Never ask, never get refused_. "So, looking forward to new year, right?" He hoped his cheerful voice didn't sound as fake to her, as it did to him.

It didn't- or at least, she did not notice. "Yes, absolutely! Mary said we'll have a bunch of difficult transfigurations this year. I'm really excited."

Severus smiled at her euphoria- it was amazing how it still instilled him with hope. "Yeah, I have heard that-"

But before he could finish, Potter appeared in the corridor, and shouted, "Oi Snivellus! Bothering Evans, are you?"

Lily sighed and snapped, "Shut up, Potter." She looked at Severus forlornly, and mumbled something about seeing him at school. Without bothering to wait for Severus' answer, she strode off down the corridor.

Severus turned back towards the window, wishing his reverie would resume. He did not even notice two thickset Slytherins enter his compartment.

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_September 1, 1975_

Avery threw a Frog Spawn Soap at Prettle, who yelped and ran for cover, only to be smacked on the side by Mulciber's Nose-Biting Teacup, which clung on painfully to his thigh, sinking its 'teeth' in through his robes. Severus forced his eyes to stay on the page of the book, but he had not read more than three lines in the past two hours. Severus had to admit- very grudgingly- Potter and Black seemed like harmless puppies compared to Avery and Mulciber. They didn't know where to stop their pranks- if they could even be called so, which Severus doubted on several occasions.

"Snape, just shut your book, and help up can Milne- EAT THAT, SKULLFACE!- come on, Snape, try your hand, we have a nice dartboard here," he sniggered as Mulciber wrestled a cowering first year and Avery threateningly juggled a particularly large Dungbomb, which was nastier than the grin on his face. A crowd of Slytherin cheered as the boy whimpered, and Severus thought he had had enough.

He flicked his wand under his robe and quietly muttered, "_Clutziosa_"

Immediately, the Dungbomb slipped off Avery's hand and landed on his feet. The stench cleared the corridor of the spectators, while the first year wriggled out of Mulciber's grasp, as he coughed and went beet red in the sickly, green fumes rising from the Dungbomb.

With a satisfied smirk, Severus went back to his book.

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_September 1, 1976_

The din inside the compartment was getting out of hand- the first years chattered like little birds with loudspeakers embedded in their throats. But their loud exclaims ('Oh, really? We have to cross the lake on boat? Cooool!') and anxious comments ("Are you absolutely sure no one is sent back if they can't pass the entrance test? I wonder what the test will be.') helped Severus soothe himself. They were young and fresh, with absolutely no care in the world. They had seven wonderful years ahead. Unless any of them were lousy at socializing, and had ambitions to join The Dark Lord, and possessed the insanity of calling their love a word unfit to be uttered.

Severus quickly tried to remember the Potion to cure knee-joint pain. _Let's see, there was powdered hellebore_... Severus' eyes stung and his throat choked... _no, not hellebore, it was Chilean Bellflower... how could I?_

Severus balled his fist and dug his fingernails into his palm. They were already red from the numerous repetitions of this practice, but he had found it helped. Gritting his teeth also helped in stemming the flow of tears that formed so often on the brim of his eyes these days. Severus went over this daily chore as another wave of pain threatened to reduce him to pieces. Severus had read about agony of lost love, but never had he imagined, it was so physical. He had a distinct throbbing pain in his temple, which increased every time his willpower broke and the shocked and hurt face of Lily Evans filled his entire mind. He also felt numb below his ribs, it was as if his stomach, and all the mundane desires it bore had absolutely vanished. And his chest- oh he did not even have words to describe the war waging in there. His heartbeat had become very erratic, like an aged patient's- sometimes it would pump once with ungodly force and he'd feel blood gushing through his body, gurgling in his ears; sometimes it would beat at such a deadpan rhythm, Severus expected it to stop any second.

Severus did not know if this pain would last forever- if it would, he had no choice but to drink poison and it was well within his faculty to brew one. He wondered how he would survive at school. Over the holidays, he hadn't seen Lily once, but at school, how would he manage to not crumble down on the ground and curl up every time he saw her face?

"Hey, are you feeling alright?" asked a concerned little girl, who had been watching him, apparently.

Severus tried to twist his mouth into a scowl, but realized he was incapable of it- his jaws were paining from grinding his teeth so hard. So, he growled, "Yes, I'm fine. Mind your own business."

The girl looked intimidated and shifted away from him. Severus leaned back on his seat and closed his eyes. He realized he had become incapable of compassion.

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_September 1, 1977_

"When are you taking the Mark?" asked Avery, in quiet urgency. "Mulciber and I took it almost a year ago, but you're still not budging. Are your loyalties shifting, Snape?"

Severus looked sternly at Avery for a moment, before lazily breaking eye-contact. "I will take the Mark after I pass out of Hogwarts. That was my deal with Lucius. Why do you keep prodding me?"

"Because many have shirked from taking the Mark when time came, and I have to say, they did not meet a happy end."

"Is that a threat or a warning?"

"It's a friendly advice. I don't want you to become Nagini's dinner."

"How touching. But I can assure you, I will keep my end of bargain. I join the Dark Lord when I pass out of Hogwarts- that was the deal. And I hope this is the last time I have to explain this," said Snape dismissing Avery with his cold tone.

Avery sank back in his seat and did not speak again.

Severus heard a burst of giggles from the corridor. "So, Potter took you out for dates during holidays? What happened, oh do tell, Lily!"

Severus turned to the window, looking bored. He willed himself to _feel_ bored.

"Oh, hush! You will have to wait till we get to Hogwarts," spoke the mock-vain voice of Lily.

"Oh, you're just being mean, you know!"

"You're definitely not hearing anything with that attitude! Now go, I have to patrol the corridors."

"Oh yeah, with you and lover boy, I'm sure there won't be as much patrolling as there will be sneaking into empty compartments for a quick snog!"

"Shut up before you get a detention, Mary Macdonald!"

The other girls left with a very suggestive 'Ooooooh' and Severus sighed- he could breathe now, the hard part was over. Just as he glanced over to the door of his compartment, without any deliberate intention, Lily walked by his door.

The look on her face, when their eyes met momentarily, was of pure hatred, incomparable to any loathing he could ever feel.

There were times when it could have burned a hole through his heart. But it was another lifetime. It was another Severus Snape.

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_September 1, 1991_

Severus sat on the High Table, waiting for another batch of sloppy students who entered the school for the sole purpose of dwindling their time away doing nothing useful. The entire staff looked their very best, almost anticipating the arrival of the hooligans.

Severus would have done the same thing he did on first of September every year- nothing! But today he felt intrigued.

The person whom he had been sworn to defend, was coming to Hogwarts. He was trying to decide whether he was supposed to be indifferent to the boy or hate him.

He couldn't believe it when the boy entered the Great Hall. Was it really Harry Potter and not his father? The same hair, the same face. The same arrogance too, probably.

Severus knew his answer. He was going to hate the boy.

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_September 1, 1997_

_He is not coming, Lily. He will go searching for The Dark Lord's horcruxes. I will show him the way, Lily. I will help him find them._

_I am lonely, Lily, these days I am so lonely. How else would one feel, when one is a spy for both sides, when one is hiding his true loyalties from everyone in the world? After Dumbledore's death, I feel as if I am fighting the whole world alone. And I am afraid. I am afraid every moment that if I make one mistake it will cost so many more lives along with mine. I know, no matter which side wins, I will end up on the other side of death. I am not afraid of that, I am counting on it. I have suffered enough, I cannot take any more._

_Will you ever forgive me, Lily? I know I wouldn't, but you were always the kind one, the forgiving one. I just wish I had swallowed up my pride when we were still friends and confessed my feelings. Maybe it wouldn't have mattered. But knowing that I had at least tried might have assailed the pain I bear every living moment- I would give anything to erase the 'if only's and 'but's that haunt my mind even today._

There was a knock on the door and Severus' quill hovered inches above the parchment.

He swallowed hard and called out, "What is it?"

"The students will be arriving soon, Headmaster. Won't you come down to the Great Hall?" answered Amycus Carrow from the other side of the door.

"In a minute," said Severus and tossed the note he had been writing into the fire.

He watched the paper shrivel up in contact with the flames and reduce to ashes.

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**AUTHOR'S NOTE: Written for the third Hogwarts Online Monthly Challenge.**


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